Tan Gent Quest
by Princess Scherbatskaya
Summary: Dee Vee, daughter of Orda Nary peasant, really wants a tan gent with whom she can settle down. Can her Dee Vee Aunt skills help this dyed Grecian ensnare a nice tan gent? Follow her on her humorous tan gent quest to find out.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Orda Nary

I spied my mother Orda Nary, a perfectly normal Xanthian peasant lady from the village, sitting by the Kiss-Me River and cried with delight: "I found some bright-eyed deer over by the south bank. Perhaps it'll help me land a man. And the ints are discussing their int elections. And the quick-witted Why Lee appears to be the top candid date."

Mother smiled at me, as she always did when I blahed there: "Dee Vee, you'll make a great – err – aunt. All the tan gents will want you when they see what kind of Dee Vee aunt you are." Right. And that's what I hoped would ocher for me.

Yeah, yeah. I already knew I was not a major character. I'm just Ann When's dyed Grecian who managed to land herself in this story. I've not been afforded the same protection as a major character, but I also haven't had to deal with the dangers. I think I like it this way. Looking back, I think maybe the bright-eyed deer decided to help me out in my quest for a tan gent. Obviously, I needed to find a sunlit beech with curves for that.

Perhaps the shores of the Isle of Cal Cue Less might be a good place to search for such a curved beech. But to do that, I needed a drive-ative boat. So I built myself one, after searching the river bank for the best wood. I undertook my mish yon, and sailed north along the Kiss-Me river in search of such an isle.


	2. Chapter 2: Stuck Calm Plaining

Chapter 2: Stuck Calm Plaining

I saw villages, with men, women and children, as all villages are in Xanth. I hear there are Mundane villages for only children. Imagine that, Mundanianlings running amok with no Adult Conspiracy to prevent them from wreaking some terrible havoc on themselves and the land. But I digress – there were Xanthian villages of all sorts along the Kiss-Me River.

I saw the villages of Calm Mount, Tip of Calm, Main Stream, Calm Descent, and even the rather whiny village of Calm Plains. I didn't sleep all day, until I reached Calm Plains and suddenly needed to kvetch about how tired I was, and the gentlefolk pitied me enough to find a room with a bed, whilst dining and whining loudly about giving up one of their precious resources.

"Thanks for finding me a bed, but it stinks in here and the lights are all too dim and how do you people sleep in such small rooms?" I rudely responded to my benefactor. Evidently, the folk of Calm Plains were like this as well, so I wasn't alone in my grouchiness. Better yet, my host Blea Ter and his family weren't offended by my slight to their most lovely home. At the crack of dawn, I was woken by Al arm clock. The cursed shrewish machine had the chutzpah to grab my elbow and yank me unceremoniously out of the bed, moaning about how I slept too late in the moaning. Too many complaints! I realized that I needed to get out of this horrid place immediately, so I packed my bags and left the Calm Plain. Getting out wasn't so easy, though.

My host wished to whine and dine with me, but I was not of age or inclination to whine, and I knew that dining might tempt me to stay. I was not usually one to bemoan my circumstances, so I knew something in the Calm Plains was causing me to do this. I brought up the issue as delicately as I could with my host, which, since I was stuck complaining, was a remarkable feat. Blea Ter was clearly concerned about this.

"Yes, ever since the land became plain, we've been stuck calmplaining… what can we do to fix this? Perhaps you, a newcomer, can help us! Yes, before you leave, you odious deserter, you must help us, Ms. Vee. And then you may go, wherever in Xanth you want to go."


	3. Chapter 3: Hay Ter's Visit

Chapter 3

Sorry for taking so long to update. But I'm back! With a chapter, no less! To anyone who still reads this, thanks, y'all are great!

Why, oh why, did I get stuck in the calm plains? I guess I'll have to slither out somehow… but there aren't any serpenters around. Maybe… just maybe…

I suppose I could try to help the folks from the calm plains, and, if I come across a serpenter before I manage to fix anything, horrible place that this is, I could taste my way out of this situation.

Knock. How droll. "What are you doing out there, it's not like you Calm Plainers give me any privacy anyways? Just calm in."

I just want to be Dee Vee Aunt, to just be ordinary – well, I suppose that's the problem – I'm not my mother. But why, oh why would that end me up here, in this stuffy, horrid place, just complaining? There has to be a way out.

At any rate, maybe there's something I can do around here. It's probably terrible, but let's see.

"You smell awful, Ms. Vee. Seriously, the stench was terrible before I even opened the door. Haven't you ever heard of a shower? It's –"

"Well, I'm sorry, but none of you Calm Plainers ever showed me where the shower is," I just can't let Hay Ter go on like that. Why Blea Ter ever married her is a mystery to me. The woman reeks of unpleasantness.

"You didn't give us much of a chance, since you were so tired, Ms. Vee."

"Call me Dee, Miss Ter you make me feel old and wrinkly and so ordinary calling me Ms. Vee."

"It's Mrs. Ter, Miss Ter makes me feel like my husband's sister. That's her—" pointing to a picture of what looked like Blea Ter and another man. Is she for real?

No time like the present to deal with the unpleasant woman, I suppose. After all, I don't want to know what an angry Calm Plainer looks like.

"Yes, Mrs. Ter. And is there anything else I ought to do before you grace me with your lovely presence again."

"Not at all, Dee, unless you'd like to stick that attitude up your arse as well."


End file.
